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The Star Wars Baseball Team

It’s baseball time!  Take me out to a gal-a-xy/Far far far far a-way…or something like that.  So this was originally conceived as a brief opening bit for my podcast I co-host, The Episode One Podcast, but we never ended up doing the episode that would have coincided with the bit (the IFC baseball comedy Brockmire with Hank Azaria).  Rather than let it fall by the wayside, I figured I’d eventually re-purpose it.  Then I started writing for this site, that seems to be SLIGHTLY partial to Star Wars.  The last ingredient was this article.  A few years ago, Sports Illustrated did this incredible article breaking down which superhero would be the best at baseball, both scientifically as well as by the many advanced baseball metrics statisticians use when evaluating the game.  I HIGHLY RECOMMEND this article! (here’s the second part) Originally, the team was only going to consist of Phantom Menace characters, since it’s my favorite Star Wars movie ever (I guess).  But in the spirit of the Sports Illustrated article, I decided to put together a team that could compete with the likes of The Avengers, The Justice League, and The X-Men.  Without further ado, here is my starting lineup for The Star Wars Baseball Team!

  1. Jar Jar Binks – RF – I have reasons!  Sure, one of them is my love (or whatever) of Phantom Menace, but beyond that I’m going to take advantage of the universal hatred of Jar-Jar and let him get plunked every time he bats to help get runners on for my big boppers.  Plus, if you believe the Darth Jar Jar theory, then my team has a VERY secret weapon.
  2. Yoda – SS – Arguably the most powerful member of my team, batting second he is due to lineup optimization, where he’ll get the most number of at bats batting in the 2-Hole.
  3. Darth Vader – 3B – Who better to man the hot corner than a guy familiar with getting burned?
  4. The Emperor – 1B – His defensive liabilities will be limited at first and his bat is second to none.
  5. Rey – 2B – Due to some weather complications, I only JUST saw The Last Jedi last week!  But I’m all in on Rey now, I’m even batting her ahead of…
  6. Luke Skywalker – LF – I’m going with pre-angst original trilogy Luke here.
  7. Obi-Wan Kenobi – C – The catcher-pitcher battery is essential so I’m pairing Obi-Wan with a familiar face…
  8. Qui-Gon Jinn – P – Qui-Gon might just be the most levelheaded Jedi out there, so he won’t get rattled on the mound.  Plus batters will be distracted by his gorgeous hair.
  9. Darth Maul – CF – I dislike Darth Maul because he’s a big dumb Qui-Gon killing doodie-head, but I can’t deny his power and he’ll have a great range in center.  I’d have given this spot to Kylo Ren, but he’s a bit too emo for my liking.

How do you like my team?  Did I leave anyone out?  Let me know in the comments and I’ll catch you next time!

Steve Waldinger
I write comedy & comics! See also where I co-create live improvised comics, &, the podcast I co-host! Find me on Twitter and Instagram - @stevewaldinger

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